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Saturday, April 17, 2010

More Tears

Once again my heart is breaking. It literally feels like someone has ripped it out of my chest, crushed it, ripped it in pieces and ran over it with a car. I keep wondering how many more times I am going to have to feel this? I know some of you may be confused as to why I am feeling like this, well let me explain. For over a year and a half now (which may not seem like a long time to some people, but to me it feels like it has been forever) we have been struggling with infertility. It has been the hardest thing to have to go through. As of right now they classify us in the unexplained infertility category, which is good and bad because nothing is wrong but then there is no explanation for all this heartache. I keep wondering if my dreams of becoming a mother will ever come true and as the months go by my hope diminshes. I don't understand why we are not being blessed with a little one. I don't know what I have done in my life to make me not worthy of motherhood. Maybe I should just give up my dream. I often wonder if it is worth all the money we have spent, getting ultrasounds every two weeks, taking medications that make you go crazy and sick, giving myself shots and getting procedurs done month after month. With all of this not working I think someone is telling me that I am not worthy of this gift. I am sorry about all the complaining, I am just really frustrated right now. I used to try and be strong but I am pass that point I can't be strong anymore because I am not ok. It has taken a lot for me to admit that I am not ok. It takes everything in me to get out of bed everyday and face the world. I owe a lot to Cameron and my family that I can call everyday and they will cry with me and listen to me and try to get my mind of things, they are the ones that have stuck by my side through all of this. I don't know what I would do without them. I love them all so much so thank you!!!!!
I will try and be better about updating my blog but blogs are one of the hardest things for me to look at right now and so that is why my doesn't get updated much.
On a happier note wednesday was mine and my nephew Lincoln's birthday. It is always fun to share a birthday with my nephew. We had a family party on Sunday, which was a lot of fun. Cameron got me a sewing machine. I am so excited about it. I don't really know how to sew but I am excited to learn!!! I will post pictures soon.

17 comments:

Jody

Stacy, I am so sorry...I am truly praying for you and my thoughts are with you.. It is ABSOLUTELY NOT that you aren't worthy! You are a wonderful person!!

Amy

Oh, Stace... I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here crying for you right now.
Don't think for one minute that this has anything to do with you. You are a wonderful person, and will be an amazing mother one day.
Life happens on the Lord's time table. It's not fun, it's not fair, but it's right. You'll only be a stronger person and have more to share with the world for what you're going through right now. We may never know why we go through the things we do.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, and if you ever need another ear to listen, I'm always here for you!!

Shellie

I know it sucks but hang in there! You and Cam are strong and deserve the world! The Lord is aware of you and although it is hard never forget that! We all love you call anytime you need!! Love you and Cam!!

The Banana Bunch

Please don't think it has anything to do with you not being worthy because nothing is further from the truth!! You and Cam totally deserve to be parents and when that day comes the joy you feel will be unimaginable!! Love you guys and never ever give up this dream!!

Lyman

I was so sad to hear this. You are so strong! Although I know how it feels to have to get up and put on a smile, it will eventually pay off and you will be rewarded in the end! Love ya tons!

Brooke and Ben

I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and I want you to know that I have been praying for you. Your name would just pop into my mind, and I would wonder how you are and hope that your dream was coming true. I also thought about your birthday this month and really hope that amidst all the pain and sadness there was happiness and a great birthday too. I love you.

Kranendonk Family

Stacy I agree with everything everyone has said but please let me know if there is ANYTHING you need or someone just to talk to. I can't say I know how you feel but I know you are such an amazing person and that you are going to be the best mom someday. We love you and just know that you are in our prayers and that i'm here if you ever need anything!

The DeGiulio's

Oh Stacy I am so sorry, I cant even imagine how you feel. Just know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

The Anderson's

Stacy I am so sorry to hear this. My sister is going through the same thing- and I don't think I've ever wanted anything more for someone. It's hard to explain why Heavenly Father chooses for some to struggle with this and others to have it come so easily. This trial will definitely make you stronger. Let's do lunch sometime.... it would be great to catch up!!

Julia Davis

Hey Stace- All I can say is that I am so sorry. I have had to think about all this from a different perspective the last couple years. My sister struggled with the same situation for three years. They just couldn't figure out why nothing was working. But finally a few months ago it happened and its going well. I only tell you this, to remind you that you are not alone, and that things do happen on the Lords time table. It was so hard for me to see how sad she was and I felt so guilty having a baby so easily. None of us know how you feel. But we do know that you are an amazing person who definitely deserves this. It will happen for you. We are all praying for you and other wonderful women who want this same dream.

Chels and Zach

I have told you this a lot, but I am so sorry! I can't even imagine what you are going through and I am sorry you have to experience this. You guys will be such good parents one day, I hope you know I am always here for you! We love you guys!

Jason and Ashlee

Hey Stacy - I am so sorry you are going through this. Jason and I struggled with pregnancy for 3 years. I know how frustrating it is and to not have the doctors say one way or the other what is wrong. Believe me - I know how crappy it is to go month to month with the same results and wondering why can't I be a mom - especially if that is the one thing I really want. PLEASE, please - do not think you are a bad person, that you have done something wrong - none of that is true. Sometimes the answers we want come at the strangest times. I understand how extremely difficult it is to not think about it, but try to fill your day with other activities. It's crazy, but the one month I said - "oh forget it, it's never going to happen anyway" is the month I got pregnant. I pushed everything aside and actually started looking into adoption. Some say, as soon as adoption gets into your brain - you get pregnant. I realize we don't really know each other, but I do know what you're going through & I am always open to talk to you or listen. I've been in your shoes, and as hard as it is right now - it will be better one day.

The Gronemans
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Anonymous

Hi, I don't know you, but my sister (Lisa) sent me this link. I also have unexplained infertility, and every single thing you have said in this post are things that I have thought and felt. I highly recommend the website www.2ofus4now.org. It is about coping with infertility, specifically in the LDS population, which can be very hard with so much focus on families.

There is also a yahoo group with the same name where I found a ton of support when I needed it- it was like a life preserver at that time! You are very brave for being able to say it and talk about it- it took me almost 7 years before I could talk about it to other people!

We now have 3 kids (all adopted), and the infertility doesn't bother me any more, but I so know how you are feeling! If you ever need someone to talk to or email who has been through it, my email is momto3under2@gmail.com.

Good luck to you. Rely on the Savior, and don't give up!!

Lisa L.

Stacy -
I hope you don't mind me sending your post to my sister Shanna. I just know that she has been through everything you are describing and I thought it might help to hear from someone else who knows how you feel. I love you so much and am sorry that you are struggling this way. I know from watching my sister how heartbreaking it can be. You are in my prayers! Remember in the Book of Mormon God made their backs strong so they could bear their burdens. He doesn't always take away our trials but he will make us strong enough to bear them. Turn to Him - He can comfort you like nobody else. Email Shanna anytime - she is very open about her experience and is always willing to help others experiencing it. I love you!

Christy Smith

Oh, Stace...I'm so sorry this frustrating nightmare hasn't ended. You are such a sweet, loving, kind person and will be an amazing mom. I think about you all the time and pray for you to find comfort and peace through all you're going through. Please call me anytime you need to talk, cry, laugh or scream. :) Love you!

jordyn

Hey girl I don't know you... just stumbled across your blog. (So sorry if this is weird.) This entry just broke my heart, I can't imagine having to go through all that. I have many family members who cannot get pregnant. I don't know how you feel about adoption but maybe you should pray about it. Sometimes the Lord has someone provide the baby physically but spiritually the baby is someone elses. I have many close to me who have adopted or placed their baby, and trust me for those who feel it's right, it's a wonderful thing. <3

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