More Tears

Once again my heart is breaking. It literally feels like someone has ripped it out of my chest, crushed it, ripped it in pieces and ran over it with a car. I keep wondering how many more times I am going to have to feel this? I know some of you may be confused as to why I am feeling like this, well let me explain. For over a year and a half now (which may not seem like a long time to some people, but to me it feels like it has been forever) we have been struggling with infertility. It has been the hardest thing to have to go through. As of right now they classify us in the unexplained infertility category, which is good and bad because nothing is wrong but then there is no explanation for all this heartache. I keep wondering if my dreams of becoming a mother will ever come true and as the months go by my hope diminshes. I don't understand why we are not being blessed with a little one. I don't know what I have done in my life to make me not worthy of motherhood. Maybe I should just give up my dream. I often wonder if it is worth all the money we have spent, getting ultrasounds every two weeks, taking medications that make you go crazy and sick, giving myself shots and getting procedurs done month after month. With all of this not working I think someone is telling me that I am not worthy of this gift. I am sorry about all the complaining, I am just really frustrated right now. I used to try and be strong but I am pass that point I can't be strong anymore because I am not ok. It has taken a lot for me to admit that I am not ok. It takes everything in me to get out of bed everyday and face the world. I owe a lot to Cameron and my family that I can call everyday and they will cry with me and listen to me and try to get my mind of things, they are the ones that have stuck by my side through all of this. I don't know what I would do without them. I love them all so much so thank you!!!!!
I will try and be better about updating my blog but blogs are one of the hardest things for me to look at right now and so that is why my doesn't get updated much.
On a happier note wednesday was mine and my nephew Lincoln's birthday. It is always fun to share a birthday with my nephew. We had a family party on Sunday, which was a lot of fun. Cameron got me a sewing machine. I am so excited about it. I don't really know how to sew but I am excited to learn!!! I will post pictures soon.